Losing Touch

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but it's something. If I look like I've lost weight, or if I seem thinner, I must have gained just that much muscle, because I can't seem to lose a single pound. My weight is fluctuating and bobbing up and down like no one's business, but it never seems to breech 195 and it never fails to jump back up to 200 when I'm not looking. I don't know what to do, I feel like it just won't happen for me.

It doesn't help that, today, for the first time in a long time, I had a real difficult time breathing. I cut it short simply because I wasn't sure my breath was caught. It wasn't. Granted, for the first time in a long time, I have committed myself to running, but in the interim, I've been huffing it at a very fast speed walk, on an incline, and haven't had a problem.

I just feel like a failure. Like it just ain't gonna happen.

I feel like I'm shattered, with so little left in my life, I'm holding on by my fingers to all my jagged pieces, trying to put them back together.

I don't want to give up. Just as I feel I'm falling down, I also feel like I've had an epiphany, like I see what I need to do, and that I must do it. I am the only one who can. It's like I actually know that now, instead of saying it to myself but truly believing deep-down someone else will eventually come to rescue me. There will be no rescue party, there will be non of that. I am all there is for me.

I get that, and I don't want to quit. I want more than ever to be on top of my life, in control. I do believe I have taken steps there, and, though I have a very long way to go, have started down that path once-and-for-all. I don't want to give up, I want to succeed. I want to make something of myself, I want to do this for me. I want to save me.

But there is this piece of me, this black, sad, cold piece of me that believes I just can't win. And I'm feeling it. I feel like I am going to lose, no matter what I do. I work as hard as I can and I don't lose a pound; who is to say that's going to be different no matter how much I keep that up? Where is my proof that I am doing this right?

I just want to cry; to curl in a ball and cry. And I have no one to turn to.

I feel like such a loser.

It's a catch-22. I refuse to give up, I refuse to lose, but I clearly am not winning.

I don't know what to do with me.

You Went a Sold Your Soul