And Things Won't Fall Apart
Rachel C
It’s been raining. Raining now for three days straight; summer’s over and the fall’s come so soon. It stopped for about two months. Stop raining, and the temperature rose, and the humidity became unbearable, but the moment September came it poured. It’s been gloomy, and quiet as if the world were muffled by these clouds. Knowing me I’ve been enjoying my heart out of it, turning to watch it rain for brief moments while at work. It hasn’t become colder, but we can sense it coming, just by the look of the sky. The people around me are naturally put off; Oklahomans don’t enjoy their chilly weather, they don’t find satisfaction in a strong downpour. For the most part, I don’t understand most people—the people who choose to live in Oklahoma. It’s easier to assume they’re crazy than to bother with their reasoning. It’s easier because it helps me remember that I don’t want to live here anymore. It helps to remind me of one day moving out, and moving on.
The last few weeks have been planning, and changing, and becoming somebody else. My future, my ideas, my ambitions have all shifted; I’m solid in my head and steadier in life than I have ever been before. I am on my two feet as much as fate will allow and my legs are growing stronger every day. Some things have changed for me, and I won’t lie by saying I don’t know why or how. I do, I know exactly the reason, or at least exactly the theory I’ve created. Everything is moving, rearranging, altering my outlook on life. Mostly, it’s annoying, that I’m changing so quickly and so decisively—as if I’ve ever really been decisive before—but it’s also uplifting, and I am happier with each day. I know. I feel better. I feel aware. But mostly, I am just relieved. Relieved to have learned my lesson, relieved to be moving forward, so relieved to know who I am.
These past few weeks have been a life lesson, my realization of growth and wisdom. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary pain these past nine months, but I had to learn my lesson. I was tired of being arrogant, tired of being stupid, tired of being impatient. And being all of those things forced me to fuck up time after time, fail over and over. I got tired, I had to learn. These nine months have been about experience, and these next years will be about growing, moving forward, putting to action the lessons I’ve so painfully learned.
And I no longer feel redundant or dumb; these affirmations are for the sake of understanding what I’ve become. This is about moving forward, and I have finally realized what it takes to make that happen.
It’s raining again, always raining, and I’m happier for it on the outside. When it’s raining I can smile and be noticed, I can find comfort in the little things I hold dear; but even when it’s pouring torrents, when I’m happy just to be caught in the downpour, I’m happy to know this rain isn’t that kind of symbolism. It’s not that torrential downpour foreshadowing months of personal mistakes. It’s rain, September rain. Already it’s raining, and it’s just a sign that things are always moving forward.
September 7, 2007
They're All Just People to Meet
It’s been raining. Raining now for three days straight; summer’s over and the fall’s come so soon. It stopped for about two months. Stop raining, and the temperature rose, and the humidity became unbearable, but the moment September came it poured. It’s been gloomy, and quiet as if the world were muffled by these clouds. Knowing me I’ve been enjoying my heart out of it, turning to watch it rain for brief moments while at work. It hasn’t become colder, but we can sense it coming, just by the look of the sky. The people around me are naturally put off; Oklahomans don’t enjoy their chilly weather, they don’t find satisfaction in a strong downpour. For the most part, I don’t understand most people—the people who choose to live in Oklahoma. It’s easier to assume they’re crazy than to bother with their reasoning. It’s easier because it helps me remember that I don’t want to live here anymore. It helps to remind me of one day moving out, and moving on.
The last few weeks have been planning, and changing, and becoming somebody else. My future, my ideas, my ambitions have all shifted; I’m solid in my head and steadier in life than I have ever been before. I am on my two feet as much as fate will allow and my legs are growing stronger every day. Some things have changed for me, and I won’t lie by saying I don’t know why or how. I do, I know exactly the reason, or at least exactly the theory I’ve created. Everything is moving, rearranging, altering my outlook on life. Mostly, it’s annoying, that I’m changing so quickly and so decisively—as if I’ve ever really been decisive before—but it’s also uplifting, and I am happier with each day. I know. I feel better. I feel aware. But mostly, I am just relieved. Relieved to have learned my lesson, relieved to be moving forward, so relieved to know who I am.
These past few weeks have been a life lesson, my realization of growth and wisdom. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary pain these past nine months, but I had to learn my lesson. I was tired of being arrogant, tired of being stupid, tired of being impatient. And being all of those things forced me to fuck up time after time, fail over and over. I got tired, I had to learn. These nine months have been about experience, and these next years will be about growing, moving forward, putting to action the lessons I’ve so painfully learned.
And I no longer feel redundant or dumb; these affirmations are for the sake of understanding what I’ve become. This is about moving forward, and I have finally realized what it takes to make that happen.
It’s raining again, always raining, and I’m happier for it on the outside. When it’s raining I can smile and be noticed, I can find comfort in the little things I hold dear; but even when it’s pouring torrents, when I’m happy just to be caught in the downpour, I’m happy to know this rain isn’t that kind of symbolism. It’s not that torrential downpour foreshadowing months of personal mistakes. It’s rain, September rain. Already it’s raining, and it’s just a sign that things are always moving forward.
September 7, 2007
They're All Just People to Meet
