Laughing With

I don't really know what to write this post about.

All day last Wednesday, I freaked out and cried, looked for a new job, and basically berated myself to nothing.

All day on Saturday, I freaked out and cried, got angry, and learned that what happened to me to make me this way wasn't my doing, and apparently I can change it.

I'm still really angry; have been for quite a few years. But, I'm also kind of hopeful, for the first time thinking maybe I can do this. It may not turn out exactly as I wanted, I may not check off every goal, and I may not do it all in the time in which I originally planned, but by the end of this thing, by my birthday, I am going to have done so much, changed so much, become someone good.

Right now, I'm not feeling it as much. I'm a little down. I have this feeling that Allison is pulling another one of her, "fuck off, I don't want to talk to you" things, which essentially leaves me friendless. Amanda is shacked up at home in Springfield with a broken leg, Kaitlin and Chetara live in Chicago...and now Allison doesn't want to talk to me because of something, although I don't know what. She won't talk to me to tell me, so I just get to be in the dark.

I'm feeling a little hurt, right this second; like I need a good hug. Like I could cry and mourn my failed friendships and feel lonely. I feel really lonely. Essentially, I'm alone. I have to figure out my life all on my own, figure out the mistakes someone else made and right them for myself, figure out how to be an adult when I'm not really sure what that is anymore. I have to do that by myself, with no help from anyone, and I'm seriously feeling it. The last thing I need right now is someone to check-out on me because of something I can't name. The last thing I need is for a friend to just stop talking when what I need is to talk. The last thing I need is to be abandoned yet again by someone who is supposed to love me.

And here it is.

Every time this happens to me, I get broken, I get hurt. I get all weepy and sad and my mom pours me a glass of wine and buys me a self-help book. I get all depressed and upset, because surely I'm the reason I have no real friends; surely it's me that's the problem; surely there's something wrong with me. I go inside, and I stay inside. I watch some Eddie Izzard, I laugh like I don't feel any thing but joy, I act cheerful and smile and call it okay, call it whatever. And on the inside, I feel hollow. I build up a nice, pretty, smiling facade on the outside. I quote Eddie and Python and laugh with people I wish would love me enough never to leave me, because I have a hole from where someone already has. I make it seem like I'm this tough little thing, fragile on the inside, but stone on the out. And I always smile, smile, smile. Laugh, laugh, laugh.

It makes me feel cheap.

I'm so tired of feeling hollow. About as tired as I am of being ignored by people who I have put time, love, and effort into. Whose company I cherish. Whose friendship is one of my very few lifelines.

I'm tired of sobbing and calling myself a problem, a failure, a fuck-up.

I'm tired of people fucking off, because they can't face their emotions.

I don't deserve to be put on the back burner. I don't get to be benched. I've put in more effort into maintaining my friendships than any normal person should have to, because I want so much--too much--for them to stay strong.

I'm tired of being bruised and of being tentative about who I am or how I feel because I'm too scared to lose a friend.

I'm tired of being tired.

So, sorry, but today I get mad. Today, I say no more. You want to be my friend, you'd better fucking mean it. Because, I'll go through anything to get to you. If you aren't up to par, if you can't claim to do the same, if you think you'll drop me and disappear somewhere down the line...just don't fucking mess with me. I'm in it to win it, corny as it sounds. This is my fucking life, and I'm done being beaten down by my own self-confidence; I'm done thinking I'm not good enough; I'm done thinking there is something wrong.

We can have a casual friendship, I'm not saying we can't. I want to be clear that I'm not cutting out every person because they don't want what I want, per say. I don't need every person to be "that person" for me, but I want to make it clear that if you're saying that's who you want to be, I'm saying you'd better at least have a conversation with me when you change your mind. I don't take being ignored so easily. Talk to me, do just fuck off.

If I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be happy, comfortable, and confident about it. I'm not taking bullshit anymore. Be my friend or don't, but at least be open and be clear. If there is something going on, I want to talk about it. And, if you just don't like me, that sounds like a personal problem, and you need to move on.

I'll move on too.

Like You Know You Do

Today, I had my coffee and hit the gym. I didn't do so well on the second bit, I was too fucking hot but with the fan on me I was so bloody cold I felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't know what's happening with that, but I cut it short and decided what I really need is a long night of sleep. Probably.

I got up and did my "Aha Moment" with the Mutual of Omaha. I hope it is up to par, is inspiring, is any good at all. I didn't really talk about what I wanted to talk about, necessarily, but I did talk about my memoir, which is all the more for me. Unfortunately, we got to talking about my stand up comedy goal, one which I am still unsure about. The reason I wanted to do it is because it's the ultimate act of confidence and knowing who you are. I mean, the whole point of this exercise was for me to figure that out, and then live my life like I know it. Live my life like it's happening. A good way for me to epitomize doing that, is to do comedy, to laugh about the irony and insanity of life. That for me is what living is, and that's why I made it my goal.

Of course, thinking about it right now makes me both want to do it and think that there is no way. I don't know if I should still make it my goal, I don't know if it's something I can do. I just want to laugh and enjoy my life, because it's short and it's often like sweet and sour sauce, shocking but too sweet to stop eating. I want to celebrate what I have, what I've been allowed to have, and what I can have. I want to go up in front of people and share some stories, relate, and laugh at it all. I'd love to be a stand-up comedian, but what I really want is to be a really happy, together me. If I can do that, I think I can do comedy, but I'm just not so sure who me is, and thus I'm not so sure about that goal.

But, today is the day to take a step toward that person, to take a step forward after a long, long lapse of standing still. I can no longer stand on that dark street, eighteen and stupid, lost in a neighborhood I've never been, at four in the morning. I know I am not that girl anymore. I grew out of that. I don't get lost like that, never, anymore. But, I still feel like I'm that lost. And, I'd really like to find that woman inside me who knows her way around, and doesn't get stuck on a street corner thinking, "I'm fucked."

I have a good sense of direction, I have a good idea of what I want, and I have the inclination to believe that I can.

So, I'm saying fuck it to feeling like shit. Fuck it to feeling so lonely. Fuck it to laughing only to cover up my sadness, my fear, my insecurity.

I'm laughing for real; I'm laughing at life.

I'm laughing with god or without.

And I'm getting it together.

I have people to forgive, molehills to overcome, wrongs to right.

One day I will move mountains.

Today, I move me.

It's All Out, All Out on Me

Mean Mr. Mustard ;P

I feel like reiterating goals.

- Get to 170 pounds.

- Get into the Navy.

- Finish the List of Stories I've been working on for years.

- Learn French.

- Learn every bone in the body.

- Do a stand-up set.

Those are the sort of important ones. :)