Don't Tell Me I'm Pretty

You have to face your emotions if you ever want to overcome them.

Most of the time, I don't even know why I cry. The tears just star falling and I sit there thinking, why is this happening? I know for the most part, sometimes you just have to cry, but it feels like sometimes is always and crying is just too cliche anymore. I feel like the poster-girl for running mascara and self-indulgent sobbing. "Oh, I'm not pretty; oh, I'm not smart." Oh, I'm fucking fed up with it. But, it's still how I feel most of the time.

Not in college, uneducated, not clever enough to solve a problem any old idiot probably could. Probably has. Probably wrote a book about it that someone else is telling me I should read.

I have acne, I never bother with my hair, I wear glasses because I have been too poor for contacts, so even if I put make-up on, you can't see it. No boyfriend, no prospects. People telling my friends how gorgeous they are, people saying "wow". People don't say "wow" to me. Unless I'm being a bitch in an unwarranted situation.

No, I don't always feel like this, but I feel like this now, and I don't know what else to do. I can sit here and cry and go to bed or I can type this up and cry and go to bed. I chose the latter because it at least seemed productive.

Maybe I'm just tired, I certainly feel drained, I don't know. But I don't feel pretty, I don't feel smart, I don't feel anything but worthless and crap.

I knew I should have gone to the gym today, then at least I could lie to myself and say I'm making progress. This sure as fuck doesn't feel like progress. It just feels like shit.

Tomorrow I want to be happy. I have so much to do, people paying me to do so much, and I can't say "no". I don't want to say no, believe me, I'm happy for something to do, but tonight I don't want to do any more.

Yeah, so this whole post was self-indulgent, pitiful, emo-fied goop. But at least I said how I really felt.

What I really want to say is this: fuck them. Fuck everyone. Everyone who says they are my friend and turns their back, everyone who flirts with me just to ignore me tomorrow, everyone who claims they miss me but don't bother to call. Everyone who thinks I am all of these things I am feeling, because they're just bastards. They have to just be bastards. They have to be absolute fuck-all bastards.

So, then, why am I still crying?

Why I am still feeling so absolutely crap?

Whatever.

Just fucking forget it. 

I'm going to bed.

Isn't It Just Like That?