Tuna Salad Sandwiches are Messy

I had a very long conversation with my mother on Saturday.  We talked about my situation and my state of mind.  I think she honestly doesn't get my project.  She thinks I should just focus on the weight loss and get into the navy.  She thinks I shouldn't bother with all of the little things I would like to do before I go.  So, I don't know if she really gets it, but she doesn't have to.  I wish that she did understand; but, it isn't up to her to understand, it isn't about her (just like it isn't really about Eddie Izzard).  She just has to keep putting up with me until it's done.  I am sure she will.  It did make me reset my weight loss goal, though.  It's been moved to 170 by April 24th-ish.  April 30th wouldn't make me cry.  I am just tired of putting it off for absolutely no reason other than that I am afraid.  I am afraid of a lot of things, it seems, and if I don't overcome those fears how to I expect to do any of the much scarier things I intend to do?  All I am saying is, agents in the FBI aren't afraid of a little running.  Neither should I be.

Of course I am not actually afraid of running.  That's silly.  I am afraid of what will come when I actually lose the weight and get enlisted.  But, I can't focus on that, especially not the fear part.  I need to worry about getting it off, I need to worry about getting in shape, and I need to worry about doing the things I feel need to be done to bring a sense of happiness and confidence into my life.  But the fear is still pretty AHH!  And I am still pretty swayed by that.  I guess it's something to work on.

In the meantime, I have decided once again that I wish I could work in a morgue.  My mother cleverly suggested I work for a funeral home, picking up bodies from the morgue.  It's an in...ish.  And you wonder where I get my cleverness?  Anyway, I am thinking this isn't a bad idea.  And, honestly, how many people out there are searching for work in a funeral home?  Not many, me thinks.  So, I guess I will start looking at that option, because getting hired on as a CNA is taking a minute, and working at Borders is draining me of my will to go on.  I am at the point at which I wish my relatives would just put me on the ice-float already and shove me out to sea.  And I really love books.  And I really love talking about books.  And I really hate this job.

So, I've got to find a new one.  And I've got to finish this essay I started last week.  It's called "Let's Be Stand-up Comedians" and it is all about getting myself stuck in retail.  And I've got to start learning French--I bought all the materials, I just have to get going!

On a side note I feel is noteworthy of mentioning: my friend Chris basically said he thinks Ricky Gervais is more doable than Eddie Izzard, and I want to make it clear that he is wrong.  Ricky Gervais, you go out and do fun things with.  Eddie Izzard, you stay in and do bad things to.  Now that I have clarified, I can move on.

I really don't have anywhere to move on to, this just seemed like a bit of an update, and that's all it's really turned into.  I am still working on my list, I am still coming up with material for my set, I am still trying to go out and do things that are strange and crazy.

On Wednesday, I am going to a catholic church, I've decided, and getting crossed with ash or blessed or whatever it is catholics do on Ash Wednesday.  I will post about it.

Tomorrow, I am watching Lost or "The Great Escape" with Amanda and Kirstie, and Raye might join us.  We are having beer and pizza and once again confirming that I am a beer&pizza kinda girl.

However, today is today, and so I must get to work on living for today.

And Other Things