Relapse Number One

I don't know what happened.  I got out of the shower today and knew that if I looked in the mirror, I would see nothing.

I want to get in the car and drive away.  Drive west, for some godforsaken reason.  Drive west and never come back.  Leave everything, all of my life up until now, behind.  Just drive.

I'm crying now.

I don't know how this is possible, to be what I am on the inside when everyone sees something different on the outside.  I get people telling me I am awesome, funny.  I feel like they see me as full of life and potential.  They can tap into something in my subconscious that I cannot.  How can I be so full of life and so dead on the inside?  Why am I so dead on the inside?  Why am I not bright and shiny?  When I look in the mirror, I see an empty shell.  Maybe a pretty empty shell, a smiling empty shell, but hollow nonetheless.  Why can they see the light when I can't?

I know, often times, in public, around others, I smile, I laugh, and it seems as if I am feeling it in my core.  And, maybe for a minute I am.  But, in the end all the numbness ebbs back.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know what will stop this feeling.  I know that getting in my car and driving won't, not completely, but that is the only thing I want.  Except, I have no place to go.  No place to go, no money to get there, no way I can stay here.  I have to get out and live.  I have to drive some place else, for the day, just go.

Where do I go?

I'm scared.
I wish that someone was listening.