I'm all hopped up on caffeine and anxiety. The update I have to post is extremely long, but I am going to make myself post it, I may just do it over a couple of entries the next few days. I am making myself, no matter what. I am making myself.
Right now, I don't know what to say. I just saw the psychologist and I am not sure how I am feeling. I honestly want to curl into a ball and sob, but then I feel this lightness underneath, this little glimmer of hope, something I haven't felt before, and it's nice. It's hard to feel it, though, for all it's worth when I am shaking and aching with anxiety over the whole thing. I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better, but I suppose the whole admittance of the problem doesn't necessarily make one warm and fuzzy. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling, if I am supposed to be joyful or sad. I know that I am going to go back. I know that I am going to make an honest effort. I know that I am tired and worn and sick of myself the way that I am. But I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like crying.
All and all, March was a pivotal month. Several things happened, good and bad, and all of them need to go here and into the book. It certainly will be a chapter of it's own, but this second as I sit down to think about it, I can't think of anything to write. Isn't that scary?
I don't know about my friends, if I've still got them or not. I haven't really spoken to any of them in a while. I don't know about my family, if our relationships are developing or we just don't care anymore. I don't know about myself. I do know that I am suddenly, for no other reason than because, on the right track. Isn't that scary, too?
Whatever these past few months have been, whatever this year will be, I know that this is certainly important, that this is a moment to be noted and advantage to be taken. I can feel it, just around the corner, a newer, better me. A happier me if just because I am in control and am capable and believe it for the first time. It is there, but it isn't going to come to me, I still have to reach for it, and reaching is still sometimes hard. But I am upping my game, I am set on pushing myself, I am determined to out-do what's been done. I am tired of being fat, of being scared, of being stupid. I am getting stronger, getting smarter, and getting better. I am tired of caring when it isn't necessary, and tired of wishing I couldn't care. Mostly, I am tired of being sad about nothing and hurt by nobody. I am tired of feeling trapped in my shell, fat and uncomfortable and lazy, and am ready to be everything I could be if I tried. I'm ready to try.
I don't know what else to talk about right now, because there is a lot to discuss. The fantastic thing is, things have actually happened that allow me to discuss certain aspects of my life and my childhood, I just have to do some analyzing. I think, though, I'll save analyzing for tomorrow, and just enjoy the high I am starting to feel at realizing I am finally on the right track.
I want to be unforgettable, and I feel like I am moving toward making an impression. I don't want to analyze right now. Right now, I want to reach out to the people who still remember me from long ago, and I want to feel like I am alive. Does that sound really, truly strange? It does to me, but guess what, it's what I want to do. Old friends, memories of times when I felt happy, even if I didn't know whether or not I actually was. People who remember me when I was good, and who remember me when I was bad, and who want to see the change and the growth. I want to hear from those people, chat about life, feel forgiven and forgive. That is the feeling that I have, other than wanting to cry--which happens a lot anyway. I want to be surrounded by people who didn't forget me when I forgot myself.
What a weird post. I bit erratic. Too much Python?
Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!
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