There is something wrong with me, on the inside.  There must be something wrong.  How can I take a situation about someone else and make it about me? But, my feelings have been hurt, and absolutely no one has regard for the hurt I feel when we're busy focusing on someone else.  It isn't about me, so I don't get to be comforted, and I just have to believe that when I am finally allowed to be, these people will be there for me.  By all accounts, by all my memory, they won't be.  I have the hardest time believing that anyone will.  Part of me doesn't want to believe.  I want to kill that part of me.  That part that believes something will always go wrong.  That part that always tells me, in a whisper at the back of my heart, that everything will fall through.  And everything does, because I listen to it instead of to everything else that tells me it won't.  Everything else, that tells me to believe, to have faith, and things will come through.  I think I am being realistic by believing that tiny voice, but really, I am killing myself one pessimistic thought at a time.

I can't help everyone else when they are falling apart, because I already am.  I can't be there the way I should, so I feel bad, I feel hurt.  I feel pain and I believe they will walk away, they will forget I exist.  I listen to the little voice making me sad, and my friends follow through; they forget me, that don't care, because I can't see anything but the little voice.  I see what it says, not what they do.

I don't want to give up, not on myself and not on my plans, but if I believe everyone else already has--never did anything but--than that's all I will see and that's all that will happen.  I have spent my life giving up before I start.  I have spent my whole life listening to that little voice.  Where did it come from?  What is it's name?  Why has it been here all of this time?  What happened to me?  What have I done?  How did this happen?  What did this to me?

The problem is: we're focusing on someone else who is falling apart, for good reason.  But, I am left with this question myself.  I don't know how to understand it, and everyone in my life is too busy falling apart themselves to help me as I crumble after years of listing to this voice.  And, it isn't just today, it isn't just right now.  Everyone is always falling apart around me.  My mother, my friends, anyone I should be able to hold on to.  All of them and more have at one time abandoned me.  I have never been allowed to "fall apart."  I have never been allowed to focus on me.  No one else has focused on me.  I don't know what to do.  How to deal.  I don't think I can fix myself on my own, but no one is in my life who isn't falling to pieces and my health keeps falling through the cracks.  I have to ask, what about me, but no body wants to answer; I am made to feel selfish.  Everyone is too busy asking that about themselves.  I am told to accept that, because that is all being human is in this world, there isn't one person who is not thinking of only themselves.  I just need one person on my side.  I need one person to remember me.  To not fall apart on me while I am trying to put myself together again.

And for that, I am selfish, like everyone before me, and everyone after.  But I'm the only one feeling like a piece of shit for wondering what's wrong with me while everyone around me is worried about themselves.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I want to help us both, but I don't know that I can.