I am about to call all of the companies to whom I owe money. The last people I ever want to talk to are bill collectors, but I have to change my address and get my statements so that I can start the process of paying them off. My biggest, most paralyzing fear in this world is my debt, and how terrified I am that I have fucked it up forever, fucked myself over beyond repair. I'm twenty-one years old, and that is honestly my fear.
I have to keep telling myself that they can't hurt me. They really can't do anything to me, not for debt. I don't even owe that much. It's the fear of failure, of disappointment, of people looking at me like I am incapable and a loser. And it is the fear that I will never, under any circumstances, truly overcome. But, they can't hurt me, not more than I have already hurt myself.
So, I am going to get myself together and stop irrationally crying over this. I am going to soothe myself, so that my heart will stop palpitating like it does every time I think of money. I am going to chill out, stop shaking, and speak confidently. They can't hurt me, not more than I've already hurt myself. It isn't hurting me to trying and help myself.
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