Don't Mind the Bullocks

I don't know if getting a no-call-no-show because no one is answering the phone counts as adding a little "-ing," but it looks as if it's happening.

At this point, I am continuously checking the weather to see if it is getting better or worse.  I am not doing this to see if maybe I can go in later.  No, I am doing this as justification.  I want it to get worse so that it justifies my not wanting to go in.  Of course, because I keep looking at it and worrying over it and how it makes me look, the weather seems to not be getting worse.  Isn't that how it always is, though?  They tell us it is going to be very bad and then it isn't so terrible out there.  So, now I am starting to feel guilty, and I shouldn't.  I make less than eight dollars an hour.  It will take me more than an hour to drive through this.  I am not even working a full eight hour shift.  I don't make enough for them to seriously ask me to put myself out on roads of which the conditions I cannot know until it is too late and I am already out there.  And then I have to drive home!  I shouldn't go in, and I shouldn't be so guilty.

I shouldn't be guilty at all. People call-in all the time for no reason than to play hooky and I usually am one of the one's stuck with the extra work load.  I am too afraid to do anything but take the shit that is handed out to me because I don't want to risk losing my job and dealing with the embarrassment.  It really isn't an important job.  I am sure I could find another.  Another retail position that is just as boring and frustrating, but money is money they say.  Except, I said the other day I'd rather be broke than work there anymore.  I am bored; I am tired of bullshit.  But, I do have to pay for gas and the gym.  Those are good enough excuses.  If I get fired because I couldn't make it in during a snow storm, when most people are calling in anyway, than that is seriously unjust, especially since I have only ever called-in once, and I was sick.  It would be wrongful termination, and it isn't going to happen.

But, during my tarot reading, Amanda turned a card that told me everyone else sees me as unreliable.  That really scares me, especially since I know if someone needs me, or if I need to be somewhere, I don't miss it, I make it happen, I am always there.  People don't trust me, apparently; people think I am not going to come through, and thus plans get canceled and friendships die.  I know for a fact that my family sees me that way.  They look at me as if I am never going to do anything, and that frustrates me.  Moreover, it makes me look and the way I am and realize I haven't really done anything to prove them wrong.  Then I question, will I ever?  I want to, I want to prove everything negative about me wrong.  It's hard, though, when negativity is thrown at you.  I need to work on that...I know.

And I shouldn't feel like this because of not going to work on a snow day.  I shouldn't feel so guilty, but I want to be reliable.  I want people, even the people at a shit retail job that is just paying a fraction of my bills, to think of me as reliable, as their go-to girl, as the one they can trust.  But, if I am all of those things, when it comes to a day like today, or any day I want to play hooky and do something nice for me, I get all this bullshit about how they don't expect it from me.  Well, they should; do I look like I want to make retail my life?  Furthermore, is Elizabeth not late to clock-in after every lunch and for every shift?  Does Lisa not call in at least once a month and make it clear that she only works there to spend money?  This isn't a big deal, but I make it out to be one, because my confidence was shattered when I was fired.  Even before then I felt guilty about doing it.  That was a stupid thing to do, honestly, because how many times at 91st and Yale did someone not come in and I worked my ass off for nothing to cover them?  It's dumb.  I shouldn't feel bad.  If anything, I get taken advantage of, because I am so easy to make feel guilty; I am so easy to manipulate.

I shouldn't bother driving to work because it is snowing, the roads are icy, I only have liability, and I don't get paid enough to try.  I am not a bad driver, I could probably do just fine.  But, I am not going to go out there for an hour, fists clenched, tires sliding, just to work for another six and be made to feel like I am not good enough for retail.  I am stressed enough just thinking about it, and when you're stressed, you rarely drive as well as you should.

So, I need to get over it.  I need to take the day and do something productive.  I need to make it good and happy and wipe away my guilt when there is no reason for it but that it's tradition I feel guilty about something.  I need to wash it away and smile and enjoy the day, because it is snowy and white, it is warm in my house, I don't need to be anywhere, I have plenty to read and work on, and calling-in never hurt a soul.  If I don't feel guilty about this, maybe I can associate good feelings with days off, and finally stop the cycle.  Stop the feeling bad when someone calls me to see if I want to cover a shift and I say outright, "no."  Stop feeling so bad when someone asks me to close because another employee has called-in again and I say, "can't."  Stop feeling so bad when the weather is out of my control, the situation isn't containable, and I am not nearly important enough to bother.  Stop feeling so bad, because the feeling bad about things you can't control, or can't handle, or can't care about but are told you should try...that's what's truly stopping the living.  I have to stop this bullshit.  Remove the bullshit.  Once it is washed, once my hands are clean of it, then maybe I can start feeling the happiness I am so desperately wanting.

Maybe.

Just Mind the Heart


/Edit: My manager finally picked up.  Four minutes after I was supposed to clock in.  She asked me if I tried to drive, because it wasn't so bad.  I told her I couldn't get out of my neighborhood.  I probably couldn't.  Anyway, I dunno if she's pissed, but it doesn't matter now, honestly.  I think I just need to laugh it off, associate the good feeling with the situation.  Whatever happens will happen, but I honestly think it will be okay.  What is she going to do, anyway?  I need to smile, to get over it, and to have a good day.
Julie and Julia tonight with my mom.  Maybe I can throw together a veggie pizza.  It won't be so bad.  I should enjoy it.  I have to work tomorrow, after all.
Snow, Snow, Snow Shower, Snow Storm, Death