So, Amanda did a tarot card reading for me the other day, and, though I don't really believe in it--or in much, for that matter, in that area--it did offer some good advice. I am sure most readings are the same for most people: get over your obstacles, believe in yourself, you can do anything. Okay, I get that. I tell myself that all the time. But, it's true what they say: unless you're ready to believe it, it ain't gonna happen.
Yeah, I said "ain't".
Anyway, if I am not "ready," per say, I am ready to be ready. I'm getting tired of not moving forward. Buddhists say when you're ready, your teacher will reveal themselves to you. Okay, teacher, it's time to come out of hiding.
Two things the taro reading told me--well, two things I inferred from an otherwise useless deck of cards:
If I want to, this year I can finally get my life moving, starting today.
If I want to, I can finally accomplish those things I always wanted to.
It also told me, if I wanted to, I can change the way the world sees me, but I'm still skeptical about that one.
Anyway, I am choosing to believe what the silly deck of cards told me. I'm choosing to believe in something bigger than myself, and by doing so maybe I'll start believing in myself too, right?
I went to the gym today, and I did well. It'd be fantastic if I could breathe easier. I might like to run more, I might actually enjoy it more, if I could just breathe. But, honestly, the running isn't the hard part at all. It's the speed walking, which is the fastest I can go for a long period of time, or I would just run. I am out of shape, and I have asthma, fuck you if you think I'm weak. Anyway, the running is the best part, because I hit that point when all I am doing is concentrating on running. Everything else falls away. There is just me and the air I am struggling to put in my lungs. My feet hit the floor and I am only focusing on lifting them and throwing them down again. It's kind of zen, for an exerting exercise. And, truthfully, that's my ultimate goal: to find a place in which I can meditate; in which I cannot think, for all I do anymore is think. I rarely act. I need to do a little more of that. I think through everything, talk to everyone about it, before I take an action. I need to act before thinking sometimes. I need to take a risk. "Taking a risk will do us all some good." Haven't I always told myself I believed that? I should believe that. I should believe in something.
I don't like belief. Belief leads to things that it never should. Belief is too strong for a lot of people, it consumes them. Ideas are nicer, easier, kinder to the ideologue. But, belief moves mountains; ideas just want to.
So, my first act of acting, of living, of not thinking, is to get to the point where I can run and run and breathe and not think. And that takes going to the gym. That takes doing it every day. That takes a little belief in myself that I can self-discipline and do something for a change.
My second act is to keep laughing. Have I ever told you how much I love Eddie Izzard, Kathy Griffin, Ricky Gervaise, and Jim Gaffigan? I really do.
My third is to start writing again. Here and on projects and in my spare time. Because, though not a physical activity, per say, writing gives me a high like little else.
And fourth, reading. Okay, so it's not very physical either. But, reading a murder mystery about a forensic scientist trying to solve the crime and keep their life together reminds me of all I want and all I am working for. So, it helps.
As I come up with more things, more actions, I'll update. Another one is just to keep up with a social life, because I truly enjoy those parts. Drinking with friends, playing board games, having coffee and talking about strange things and sex. Yeah, a little more of that.
So, I'm doing better? Eh, I'm doing okay. Am I getting better? Yes, I think so. Thank you for asking.
And the World Spins Madly On
1 comment:
they are not silly cards. good job, and you are awesome :)
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