I Have to Get Out of This Life

But, I don't know how. I don't know what I am going to do. I have talked about it for years now, joining the navy and getting the fuck out of this shit hole life I've created--which has also been created around me--but I have no follow through, no will power, no strength of spirit or mind...and so I have sat still and let the world around me get darker and gloomier and resentful of my existence.  I am being forced against the wall, which I know that I need, but part of me is still rebelling; part of me is still saying, if I do this now and I do it well, it won't be because I wanted it, or because I could, it will be because I was forced into it; it will be because someone else's will made me do it and it will be worthless. That's how I feel, worthless. All of the time, no matter what I do or how I do it. I want to rid myself of these people that will take credit for "raising" me or "pushing" me or "forcing" me to do something. I want to get rid of them because I can't get rid of the feeling that they make my achivements worthless and that the only reason I did anything was because of them. I don't want them in my life at all anymore, let alone around to say their fucking "thank yous" when I do something, because apparently I couldn't have done it without their pushing me to be better. I want to say a huge "fuck you" to each one and encourage them to forget me. I want to change my number and disappear and be alone to accomplish what I need to accomplish. I want the people I want in my life to be there, and I honestly want the rest of them to fuck off and get out. To stop calling or talking or caring. To just go fuck themselves. I want to love them, or I want to kill them and all they could have been to me, if maybe they'd been better friends or family or whatever. If I end up with one friend, that's fine. At least I know she doesn't resent me or anything I might do. I just want to get the hell away, get out of their lives, get on with mine. I guess I will join the navy. It isn't really plan A, but I don't think I will last another year in this place, with this contempt boiling at my back when I walk into a room. Unfortunately, I can't avoid it when it's in the same house as I am; and, right now if I moved out I'd be living on the street. I'm not quite ready for that much give up. I think I still have some fight in me. I don't know where it's hidden or how to access it, but it has to be in there, or I don't think I'd still be alive. In fact, I know I wouldn't.
So, what do I do? Where do I go from here?
I only have to lose a few inches off of my waist and hips to be eligible for the navy. If I can lost six off both, maybe twenty to thirty pounds, and do it in the next two months...I might be able to join up, I might be able to be a medic, I might be able to get the discipline and self-confidence boost I need to survive. I might even get to do something I have always wanted to do--fly. We'll see; one stupid fucking step at a time. "How do you eat an elephant?" Fuck my mother for putting the phrase into my head, but it has become a favorite. One tiny, little nibble of a bite at a time.
I don't have to know how to do something, I just have to know that I can. So, I guess that's what I am learning. From here, I will work on losing one inch. If I can do it, than I can lose another. That's a good start, I think. Hopefully I can get my life together, get myself to move on, and get the fuck out of this shit hole I've built. Maybe one day I'll even be happy. No guarantees there.