My problem is that I have too much I want to say, too much I want to include, too much I want to discuss that really doesn't have much to do with the points I am trying to make or the messages I am attempting to get across. Too much that really isn't about anything but myself, and in a way that isn't necessarily entertaining or insightful, but more self-destructive and sometimes just corny, motivationals of which I have never been pleased with--I'm not a "motivational" kind of person, but I always find myself writing them to myself, which in turn just turns me off more from the idea of motivation. No, what I want to say isn't about that, self-motivating or stories about my job or paying off my car...that isn't the point of it, and the idea of writing those things in, I think, is bogging down the whole idea. I can't breathe under the weight of all the useless crap--thus is my life. But, everyday, I am getting closer to knowing what needs to be cut, what I need to concentrate on, what really has the story all wrapped up around it's finger. My father, the divorce, the move from Tulsa to Chicago, from Chicago to Tulsa, and then back again this past fall, my family's communication problem, my mother...those are the things that are important, the things that are still bogging me down a little with their massive weight, but the things that are necessary. In a way, though, those are the things that just discuss how I got here, and that is the ultimate challenge...how did I get here, so worried about everything, so terrified to invest faith, so cynical towards hope and yet eager to hope again. How did I get to this point, trying believe that something good has to come because I am due, when really I am the one who has to make it happen. That is the lesson, and the lesson of faith, because we have to invest it, or nothing will happen. For so long nothing was happening, but when you step out on a ledge and you jump, well, you're going to fall. It's supposed to be about all of the lessons that were so hard to learn, why they were, and if I have.
I guess what I am saying is this, I am closer today than I was yesterday to understanding what it is I need to talk about. The thing about it is, that even if everything works out for me the way I want it to, I still won't have said these things until I do this and until I do this I can't be whole and healed and I can't forgive anyone, and I especially don't want to, I don't want to forgive. I'm not ready; I'm still broken. I'm still looking for a reason to deny it, I am looking for a way to avoid it, and I am closer each day to finally confronting it. I have to get over it, and I can't do that without this book, I know that because I can never say to anyone what I need to say, but I can write it down. I don't care so much if it gets published, but I will try, and I certainly want it to. Right now, though, I would really like to just move on; I would really like to just write it, put it on paper, and finally get over the past five years, finally learn my lessons, and move on with my life the way that I should.
Yes, I know, this itself seems motivational. But, more, I am coming to some understandings, and when I do that, I like to write about it. Go figure.
I just don't want to lose sight of what it is that is most important to me. Yes school, yes my career, yes my friends, yes my family, but the one thing I have wanted since I was six, the one thing I have been working hard to accomplish since I was fifteen, the one thing I think about the most is this, and I have to do it sometime or other...I would rather do it now. I think it's important to do it now. I think somewhere someone knew, some part of some pattern, and I didn't lose my job or get this one at Old Navy or finally have the opportunity to get the CNA, or get back into UIC, or have the opportunity to pay off my debt myself....none of this happened because shit happens. Somebody, somewhere, some piece of some pattern, I was fired because I needed to stop being someone I am not and finally realize who this person is...and that includes finally realizing what it is I need to write about.
I Think I'm Ready to Win
I guess what I am saying is this, I am closer today than I was yesterday to understanding what it is I need to talk about. The thing about it is, that even if everything works out for me the way I want it to, I still won't have said these things until I do this and until I do this I can't be whole and healed and I can't forgive anyone, and I especially don't want to, I don't want to forgive. I'm not ready; I'm still broken. I'm still looking for a reason to deny it, I am looking for a way to avoid it, and I am closer each day to finally confronting it. I have to get over it, and I can't do that without this book, I know that because I can never say to anyone what I need to say, but I can write it down. I don't care so much if it gets published, but I will try, and I certainly want it to. Right now, though, I would really like to just move on; I would really like to just write it, put it on paper, and finally get over the past five years, finally learn my lessons, and move on with my life the way that I should.
Yes, I know, this itself seems motivational. But, more, I am coming to some understandings, and when I do that, I like to write about it. Go figure.
I just don't want to lose sight of what it is that is most important to me. Yes school, yes my career, yes my friends, yes my family, but the one thing I have wanted since I was six, the one thing I have been working hard to accomplish since I was fifteen, the one thing I think about the most is this, and I have to do it sometime or other...I would rather do it now. I think it's important to do it now. I think somewhere someone knew, some part of some pattern, and I didn't lose my job or get this one at Old Navy or finally have the opportunity to get the CNA, or get back into UIC, or have the opportunity to pay off my debt myself....none of this happened because shit happens. Somebody, somewhere, some piece of some pattern, I was fired because I needed to stop being someone I am not and finally realize who this person is...and that includes finally realizing what it is I need to write about.
I Think I'm Ready to Win
No comments:
Post a Comment