I Just Want to Be OK

I am afraid of finding out that I am not the person I say I am.
I am afraid of admitting I was wrong about myself and about my life.
I am afraid of discovering that I am incapable.
I am afraid of failure.
I am afraid of never finding my way.
I am afraid of never becoming who I want to become.
I am afraid of who I have become.
I am afraid that I cannot do anything worth while.
I am afraid I will never get out of this situation.
I am afraid I will never be happy.
I am afraid no one wants me.
I am afraid I will die alone.
I am afraid that I will put this off forever.
I am afraid that if I don’t do this, I will never be whole.
I am afraid of admitting that I was never whole, that somebody hurt me, that I feel the way I feel.
I am afraid I am depressed.
I am afraid I am beyond repair.
I am afraid of what will happen to me if I don’t get it together.
I am afraid that nothing will ever resolve, that nothing will ever come through.
I am afraid I will never be okay.
I am afraid of feeling, anything.
I am afraid of finding out how broken I truly am.
I am afraid of doing something, because I am afraid it will hurt me.
I am afraid, also, that it won’t.
I am afraid of finding out who I really am.
I am afraid that this is it, this is everything, this is what there is for me, this is who I am.
I am afraid of posting this, of telling everyone this, of labeling myself as “broken,” or “scared,” or “fucked up,” which I know in my heart is true.
I am afraid of doing what I have been telling myself I must do for five years.
I am afraid to admit that I cried through this whole list--sobbed, actually--and I am afraid of what that means.

I am afraid of putting it on paper, because writing it down makes it real.
Writing it down makes it real, and I am afraid it’s time for things to get real.

So I posted it.
Think what you will.
Everybody needs to take a first step. I was afraid of mine.