Untitled Rant
©Rachel C
There isn’t a lot to say. I feel like I have lost myself in a way, but I have also found something I have repressed. Something that I always knew I had, but never got the chance to show, because no one was expecting that to come from me. I also feel like I have let some people down, but at this point, what can I do? Someone very wise once said to find yourself you must leave someone to themselves. “Drop a few people, and find yourself.” Don’t get lost in the haze of satisfaction. I don’t want to admit it, either, but I may be somewhat of a people pleaser. And, if that is the case—and I honestly never believed it was—I am going to have to take those words to heart.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am going “out there”, somehow putting myself forward and being accepted. More people than I could imagine know who I am, more are interested by what I have to say, and more genuinely like me for who I am—which I still find shocking. It’s mildly incredible to see myself actually pushing toward my goals, my dreams of having a “big name” in the news and literary world, my hopes of someday being someone people turn to for answers and opinions. I think somehow I was made to be that person, but it’s hard to tell when you live as I have: unsure of yourself, people at your back gnawing at your insecurities, and, worst of all, your own laziness to push beyond the limit of what needs to be done. There indeed is my main problem, one that I have prayed to over come, one that I hope for once I truly am—and for good. I get by, I always have, even when I don’t do so well, I accept it as good enough and move on. “I will do better next time”, is the slogan that trails on and on in my mind. I always tell myself to try harder next semester, next project, next life. And, even though I know to do better in the future I must try harder in the present, I let myself get by with mediocre just to finish what I started, and once I have seen that I can get away with that mediocrity, I allow myself to fall back on it the next time. There literally is, for me, no next time, because each “time” is the same effort, the same will, the same lack of motivation when my head is telling my heart to dream big. And I end up, inevitably, in the same spot—feeling blue at my lack of effort, and red at my inability to change. Something has to be done, I say, and never find what “something” is.
I have hating living this way for years—and yet, if I truly did hate it, why couldn’t I over-come it? That is a question for the ages. I suppose if I were a patient sitting in your psychiatry office, you would tell me the problem was rooted deep into my subconscious, based on something Mother-related, or maybe I have Daddy-issues or something that would eventually cause me to blame my family and never really feel better. It’s true, because I am not the kind of person who goes to the doctor for head problems. Even though I know it’s my head that is indeed the problem.
But, nevertheless, my intuition or my acknowledgement of my faults...I am finally starting to see myself rise to the occasion and...do better. Now, at this moment, I feel hypocritical, because I decided to not take the second job, and work full-time where I am. That kind of makes me feel lazy, and kind of like a failure...like I couldn’t handle it. I know I need the money, and I am regretting the decision for that matter. But, then the rest of me is logical, and I know if I can get my life under control I can start working harder on my major goals in life. Because I do want people to know who I am, I do want my name to be “out there”, and I am finally seeing that that is much more than just my little girl fantasy. It’s something that is slowly becoming a reality, and something I can do. You know, if I just turn around my head and push myself past my breaking point. If I can stop being lazy, find some motivation, and really see what it is I want in life. If I can hold on to the feeling I get when someone recognizes my effort, maybe, just maybe, I can finally achieve what I have been dying to since first grade. And, let’s face it, if I can do that...well, I’m fuckin’ set.
January 5, 2007
Author's Note: Yes, this is a piece of literature I just punched out. It's very, very contemporary, if you catch my drift...nothing at all like me. I mean, if you know me, you know how I like it formal. Also, this is NOT AT ALL a part of that series-like thing I have been posting around here. I haven't had a moment to write on that, actually, which is too terribly sad. But, I am working on it--and life--so, maybe something soon? Which is mostly directed at Uree, who I believe is my sole reader. Well, she is fantastic. Anyway, this was probably the most insightful thing I have written, and maybe it will enlighten you on how my brain works. But, other than that, it's just a little ranty-ranty essay, though more a string of thoughts, that I just decided needed posting and maybe a little literary love. I mean, if I am a writer, everything I write must therefore be literature, right? Haha, yeah.... Also, right now, despite my lack of concern for any of the blogs I am a part of, I am feeling really, really good about myself right now...and I think that is something that might be taken into consideration. I will try super hard to translate that feeling into worhty blog posts from here on out. Seriously.
©Rachel C
There isn’t a lot to say. I feel like I have lost myself in a way, but I have also found something I have repressed. Something that I always knew I had, but never got the chance to show, because no one was expecting that to come from me. I also feel like I have let some people down, but at this point, what can I do? Someone very wise once said to find yourself you must leave someone to themselves. “Drop a few people, and find yourself.” Don’t get lost in the haze of satisfaction. I don’t want to admit it, either, but I may be somewhat of a people pleaser. And, if that is the case—and I honestly never believed it was—I am going to have to take those words to heart.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am going “out there”, somehow putting myself forward and being accepted. More people than I could imagine know who I am, more are interested by what I have to say, and more genuinely like me for who I am—which I still find shocking. It’s mildly incredible to see myself actually pushing toward my goals, my dreams of having a “big name” in the news and literary world, my hopes of someday being someone people turn to for answers and opinions. I think somehow I was made to be that person, but it’s hard to tell when you live as I have: unsure of yourself, people at your back gnawing at your insecurities, and, worst of all, your own laziness to push beyond the limit of what needs to be done. There indeed is my main problem, one that I have prayed to over come, one that I hope for once I truly am—and for good. I get by, I always have, even when I don’t do so well, I accept it as good enough and move on. “I will do better next time”, is the slogan that trails on and on in my mind. I always tell myself to try harder next semester, next project, next life. And, even though I know to do better in the future I must try harder in the present, I let myself get by with mediocre just to finish what I started, and once I have seen that I can get away with that mediocrity, I allow myself to fall back on it the next time. There literally is, for me, no next time, because each “time” is the same effort, the same will, the same lack of motivation when my head is telling my heart to dream big. And I end up, inevitably, in the same spot—feeling blue at my lack of effort, and red at my inability to change. Something has to be done, I say, and never find what “something” is.
I have hating living this way for years—and yet, if I truly did hate it, why couldn’t I over-come it? That is a question for the ages. I suppose if I were a patient sitting in your psychiatry office, you would tell me the problem was rooted deep into my subconscious, based on something Mother-related, or maybe I have Daddy-issues or something that would eventually cause me to blame my family and never really feel better. It’s true, because I am not the kind of person who goes to the doctor for head problems. Even though I know it’s my head that is indeed the problem.
But, nevertheless, my intuition or my acknowledgement of my faults...I am finally starting to see myself rise to the occasion and...do better. Now, at this moment, I feel hypocritical, because I decided to not take the second job, and work full-time where I am. That kind of makes me feel lazy, and kind of like a failure...like I couldn’t handle it. I know I need the money, and I am regretting the decision for that matter. But, then the rest of me is logical, and I know if I can get my life under control I can start working harder on my major goals in life. Because I do want people to know who I am, I do want my name to be “out there”, and I am finally seeing that that is much more than just my little girl fantasy. It’s something that is slowly becoming a reality, and something I can do. You know, if I just turn around my head and push myself past my breaking point. If I can stop being lazy, find some motivation, and really see what it is I want in life. If I can hold on to the feeling I get when someone recognizes my effort, maybe, just maybe, I can finally achieve what I have been dying to since first grade. And, let’s face it, if I can do that...well, I’m fuckin’ set.
January 5, 2007
Author's Note: Yes, this is a piece of literature I just punched out. It's very, very contemporary, if you catch my drift...nothing at all like me. I mean, if you know me, you know how I like it formal. Also, this is NOT AT ALL a part of that series-like thing I have been posting around here. I haven't had a moment to write on that, actually, which is too terribly sad. But, I am working on it--and life--so, maybe something soon? Which is mostly directed at Uree, who I believe is my sole reader. Well, she is fantastic. Anyway, this was probably the most insightful thing I have written, and maybe it will enlighten you on how my brain works. But, other than that, it's just a little ranty-ranty essay, though more a string of thoughts, that I just decided needed posting and maybe a little literary love. I mean, if I am a writer, everything I write must therefore be literature, right? Haha, yeah.... Also, right now, despite my lack of concern for any of the blogs I am a part of, I am feeling really, really good about myself right now...and I think that is something that might be taken into consideration. I will try super hard to translate that feeling into worhty blog posts from here on out. Seriously.
1 comment:
I think we may share some DNA...somehow, someway!!
I was that lazy student you write of...but I always downplayed my abilites and said "im just good at being a student" or "i know how to work the system" or "my professors dont have the GUTS to hand out bad grades or criticisms."
But in the end I realized that I did the best I could under the circumstances...college is ALL about TIME MANAGEMENT! Shameful to admit...but thats it in a nutshell. Do whatever you have to do to GET BY and live to tell the stories.
Youre doing a great job...keep it up, and keep your chin up. :)
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