The Queen of Nothing
©Rachel C
I am the queen of nothing. I don’t even own my own car. Everyone seems to think I owe them something, but I suppose I do, and I can’t run from any of it. Not that I would run, not that I want to, but everyone seems to think I am. My sister told me this was my “out”. At least I had one, she said, at least I had an “out”. I find it difficult to see this as an escape. First and foremost, I did nothing of this to myself, and here I am, the one prepared to do it.
Except, they don’t think I am prepared, they don’t have any faith in me. They never have, who the hell am I kidding assuming they would? They don’t, and they won’t. No matter what I do, I will never been good enough for them; I will never work as hard as them; I will never be anything like them.
I just can’t seem to be anything right for them.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t begin to know how. You see, they are proud only of themselves, and they are preying for attention. My mother, everyday, she tells me what a good mother she is, what a good person she is. I hate to break it to her, but a lot of my cynical traits did not, in fact, come from my father. She plays the cards like she is the good cop, my father the bad, and expects me to go along bluffing. But, it takes too to tango; you win the hand without an opponent. She did this as much as he, she is just as bad as he. And I am so tired of her repressing the truth of her own misgivings and mistakes, just so that we will continue to love her, because we all know she thinks if she doesn’t keep reminding us of what an amazing mother we were dealt we’re all victims of our father’s deceptions, and therefore against her.
It’s all bullshit. Pure bullshit. And I like to believe I am the only one in the family, thus far, who is honest, blatant, and real. But, I have been feeding myself lies, bullshit; telling myself that I had changed while I was away; telling myself that four months hadn’t been wasted; telling myself that I was worth something, that I could accomplish something, that I was good. I lied, I lied to myself. I pretended that everything would clear up, that I wouldn’t feel like a failure, that I wouldn’t despise myself for leaving, and that I wouldn’t be miserable knowing I’ll have to start over. All the while, my family will see me that way, all the while my family will mock me for turning around, and they will never accept that I am good, worthy, special. Or that I have anything to offer.
That is all there is to me...useless words piled and pasted to make myself feel strong. But all I am seeing are sentences without meaning, figuring out these words are nothing. And here I remain, still using them senselessly; still dictating to nobody listening. I am the queen of nothing, the tyrant of useless metaphors and analogy. I am the queen of nothing, and I’ve crowned myself.
December 26, 2006
Author's Note: I wrote this on Tuesday, but I was nervous about posting it--scared of what I have said. I am posting it now, for lack of anything on my mind, and because I think it is all part of this thing that has been developing, something I think you've seen in a few of my posts. Maybe I am on track, or maybe I am just ever-the-more between a rock and a very hard place.
I am the queen of nothing. I don’t even own my own car. Everyone seems to think I owe them something, but I suppose I do, and I can’t run from any of it. Not that I would run, not that I want to, but everyone seems to think I am. My sister told me this was my “out”. At least I had one, she said, at least I had an “out”. I find it difficult to see this as an escape. First and foremost, I did nothing of this to myself, and here I am, the one prepared to do it.
Except, they don’t think I am prepared, they don’t have any faith in me. They never have, who the hell am I kidding assuming they would? They don’t, and they won’t. No matter what I do, I will never been good enough for them; I will never work as hard as them; I will never be anything like them.
I just can’t seem to be anything right for them.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t begin to know how. You see, they are proud only of themselves, and they are preying for attention. My mother, everyday, she tells me what a good mother she is, what a good person she is. I hate to break it to her, but a lot of my cynical traits did not, in fact, come from my father. She plays the cards like she is the good cop, my father the bad, and expects me to go along bluffing. But, it takes too to tango; you win the hand without an opponent. She did this as much as he, she is just as bad as he. And I am so tired of her repressing the truth of her own misgivings and mistakes, just so that we will continue to love her, because we all know she thinks if she doesn’t keep reminding us of what an amazing mother we were dealt we’re all victims of our father’s deceptions, and therefore against her.
It’s all bullshit. Pure bullshit. And I like to believe I am the only one in the family, thus far, who is honest, blatant, and real. But, I have been feeding myself lies, bullshit; telling myself that I had changed while I was away; telling myself that four months hadn’t been wasted; telling myself that I was worth something, that I could accomplish something, that I was good. I lied, I lied to myself. I pretended that everything would clear up, that I wouldn’t feel like a failure, that I wouldn’t despise myself for leaving, and that I wouldn’t be miserable knowing I’ll have to start over. All the while, my family will see me that way, all the while my family will mock me for turning around, and they will never accept that I am good, worthy, special. Or that I have anything to offer.
That is all there is to me...useless words piled and pasted to make myself feel strong. But all I am seeing are sentences without meaning, figuring out these words are nothing. And here I remain, still using them senselessly; still dictating to nobody listening. I am the queen of nothing, the tyrant of useless metaphors and analogy. I am the queen of nothing, and I’ve crowned myself.
December 26, 2006
Author's Note: I wrote this on Tuesday, but I was nervous about posting it--scared of what I have said. I am posting it now, for lack of anything on my mind, and because I think it is all part of this thing that has been developing, something I think you've seen in a few of my posts. Maybe I am on track, or maybe I am just ever-the-more between a rock and a very hard place.
2 comments:
i know its hard but you have to focus on you and your goals and not allow anyone else, family or otherwise, to plant doubt in your mind about your abilities.
just do it! once its done then you can look back and assess "them" but dont waste time on that while in the persuit...the fastest sprinters dont look back until their chest reaches the tape!
Oh, and I have a large chest, so that will help!
Haha, yeah...thank you, for your advice, but mostly just for giving a shit. That's important.
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